Well, I feel this great yearning. For all the mes I've been and lost in memory. The me who had his front teeth. The me who felt lust from hair to toe tip. The me who believed.
Pain... has always been with me. My head hurt like it was being crunched when I was 4. Now it's ok, but my dead front tooth hurts like... like it's dead. A dead lump of calcium hanging from my gums.
I wish I didn't care. Just stick whatever on it's place. Give me a rifle. Let me shine in the jungle. Let me light the enemy. Let me run, and forget.
Shine, shine in the jungle.
Shine in the dark.
I miss those summernight confessions. I miss that Asian girl from the Amazon. I miss all those dreams. I miss believing all would be fine once they came true.
They've come and gone. I'm middle aged now. I feel like a child. Something just didn't grow up. It never will. I want to be a child forever. I want to play in the fields. But I'm too old for innocence. I want to play in the fields of death, of blood, of iron. I want to shoot and to be shot at. I want to humiliate my enemy. Or let him release me from this land of dead.
Life is a procession of shadows. These tears feel like they'd have dried long ago. I cry like I cried when I that scared skinny child. I want to go on crying. Caring nothing about shame. And running into the fields of killing. I want to shoot my enemy. I want him to relieve my burden. I want life to take it's course. I want it to leave my body, to release my soul into the void of oblivion. I want to get far from all I've known, from the few who look up to me, from the few who hold me hostage to these killing fields.
I want to run to the fields of killing. I want to shoot and to be shot. I want to forget and to remember. I want to humiliate my enemy. I want to lose my heart in the bliss of glory. I want to bury my rage in the bile of shame. I want to shoot and be shot. I want to take territory. I want to remember how it was when I believed. When I had hope. When my teeth were all alive. When my heart throbbed, when my love pumped up, when I believed in lust.
And just as I got it, I lost it. I landed back to this world of rules and expectations. I'm back from my fields, sitting in this corporate chair, surrounded by the family I love, by the family I dread. My outburst was cut in the middle. Believed in Lust doesn't wrap it up. But I'm not there anymore to know what should come next. I'm here with you, in these killing fields, in these streets of sorrow, in this ocean of platitudes, in this everyday life of the common man. My heart is deaf, my soul is mute. So this is where I stop.
Make me a child again. I want to try it all over again. I want to do it right this time.